Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A story

It was far too early for there to be any costumers but never the less there they were. Standing in an unorganized line, waiting. Waiting with a look of disdain that said "My time is more important than yours. I make more than twenty dollars an hour and I am not as ugly as you."

That last part of the look hurt. It hurt real bad but never the less it was truthful. Everyone is more attractive than you when you wear a hair net.

As Chris picked up the shaved smiley meat he thought to himself. What on earth does a twenty seven year old need chicken necks and shaved smiley meat for at six in the morning? Couldn't it just wait till a more reasonable time? Perhaps when he wasn't there?

He of course knew the answer. The answer was no. Surprisingly. Nothing could wait. Everything was important. Everyone was better than you. Except for blind people and midgets. Even someone who works at a deli has a little rep.

As the last customer in the "line" was served Chris began to feel uneasy. The hair on the back of his neck stood up. A distinct smell of cigarettes and coffee reached his nostrils. Quickly turning he was faced with a head of frizz and a face that seen death and enjoyed it.

There are few things in this world that could unnerve Chris but this was one of them. The Deli manager.

As soon as her grizzled lips parted he knew there was trouble.


Without even replying Chris walked slowly out the back with his head down and his feet dragging. There was no use fighting her. She would always win. How could she not? There was only one person that could stop her.

The fabled store manger. A store manager who would never lift a finger when it came to the hell hole which was the deli. A store manager who liked to cheat on his wife of thirty years with a grizzled, frizzy haired, chain smoking deli manager.

With his hands and knees on the ground trying to pry open the drains all Chris could think of was that one day he would show them all. He'd do it some way. But how he had no idea.

He could come to work one day with a semi automatic weapon and go from department to department mowing down mangers as they crossed his path.

But that wasn't Chris' style. He hated violence and didn't like his chances of getting away with it.

Chris knew very well that in jail he'd be the bitch. He'd be ten guys bitch. Every night he'd learn the real meaning of jail house rock and that didn't appeal very much.

He could just got to university, study hard, become a doctor, make lots of money, get a wife, kids, be happy and then come back and shove it in their faces.

But again too much effort involved. Chris wanted something short term. Chris wanted to be able to come back in six months time and say I've achieved more in my twenty years on this planet than you have in your fifty something.

Then it struck him. He was funny. People liked him. He was a good liar. Something would pop up. It was about time after all.

Before Chris even knew what was going on he was back at the front of the store. He was face to face with the grizzled beast. Her smell almost drowned him. Ignoring everything in the outside world Chris spoke.

"Every day I come in here I a piece of me dies. I become more and more depressed everyday. It's not because the work is bad. It's not because the work is hard. It's not because I think I'm better than everyone. It's because every time I come in here I'm reminded of the stupidity of the customers always so indecisive and demanding. I'm reminded of the stupidity of the staff always so blind to follow the managers down the wrong path and finally I'm reminded of the stupidity of the managers. The people who think they are better than everyone else. The people who think they are doing such a good job making money even though they have no competition. The people who don't realize that they have a monopoly and are doing the jobs of mindless lazy morons. The people that put too much importance in their job. You people make me depressed."

As Chris left that night he realized that he probably no longer had a job. He realized that he probably wasn't going to prove himself to them within the next six months. He realized that he was now officially broke. But he also realized that he was happy.

Several weeks later Chris was interviewed for a TV show.

Several weeks after that Chris got a call telling him he was in.

Several months later Chris was on national television.

Chris had proven himself.

Chris now showers in gold.

Chris now dates several supermodels at a time.

They currently don't make cars nice enough for Chris to drive.


Absolutely every part of this story has happened to me or is based on something that has happened to me. Except for me getting the show and everything after that. That is still in the cards but we just need to play the waiting game. Actually I lie. The part about the car is true.


Cohenism said...

I loved this.

blackrose08 said...

one of my friends is 4'11 asn we always make fun of her so when you wrote

"Everyone was better than you. Except for blind people and midgets."

you have no idea how much i laughed.

Nick said...

Well done!

And good luck, again.

Adolfo said...

Awesome story!

Liv =] said...

I think this proves that there are always loop holes in contracts regarding the internet.

Apparently you're great + entertaining on paper as well as in real life. Who knew :P


Ikklemee8 said...

awesome =]

Feyz Mehri said...

showering in gold. demonstrates both awesomeness and drought awareness... nice!

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